You may think I’m late to the party in reviewing Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood, but it’s what I’ve been doing to procrastinate recently, and that is the point of this blog. And boy, can you procrastinate with this one.

So, in case you’re late to the party too, the Assassin’s Creed series is aiming at getting upgraded to the title ‘saga’, with a drawn-out and twisting story, the long and short of which is that the Templars are bad guys and there is a secret society called the Assassins who are trying to save humanity from them. Oh, and also, there’s a whole sci-fi aliens-created-humanity & genetic memory thing going on. So it’s basically like if Dan Brown wrote a series of sci-fi novels. Oh wait…

Just kidding.

Let’s get the annoying things out of the way first. The most annoying thing about this game is the rag-doll physics, and the bugs it causes. It’s not even a game-play issue, it’s just that when the guard you just shot with a wonderfully satisfying THWUNK while his back was turned hangs to the roof by his Achilles tendon, it tends to ruin the mood. And when you’ve fallen far enough that the game (very reasonably) has worked you’re dead, it breaks Ezio’s arms for him. Before he hits the ground. It’s just insult to injury, isn’t it? Coming in a close second, are some of the rudest people in video-gaming: that English dick-head that I can’t even be bothered to remember the name of (I could find out in an instant. I mean, there’s Wikipedia nowadays. It should stand as a testament to just how annoying this character is that I can’t even be bothered to do that. I think it’s Shaun?), voiced by Danny Wallace, and every blacksmith in Rome. I have never known a profession to have such a negative effect on people. Most of the other vendors in Rome in the early 1500s seem to be perfectly nice fellows, who all understand that you need to at least pretend to be nice to a potential customer. However, the blacksmiths all seem to have accidentally lodged their pokers up their arses. Every time you visit them, they make some quip about how poor you look. Now, to begin with, when you are dressed in your lowly cloths with only a common sword, this was fine; I even welcomed it, as a fresh relief of dialogue. But then it continues and continues until even when you clearly have money. All the armour is metal, plate and fancifully designed. A greatsword on my hip. A finely worked crossbow strapped to my back. The biggest cumber-band you ever saw. All you do is buy a few throwing daggers and the guys says “Oh, you didn’t look as if you had the coin for that.” It’s probably a small thing, I’ll agree, but it annoyed the hell out of me.

What is a slightly larger problem is this character that keeps recurring. This Shaun, as I will call him, even if it’s not his name. First off: can we please, please, have a nice Englishman in an American video-game? Off the top of my head, we were even bad guys in Call of Duty: Black Ops. I get it, our ancestors occupied your ancestors, and you were miffed. But just – stop. Thanks. Secondly, was the director ill when you recorded all of his lines? Generally, the dialogue in this AC:B is okay. Where it is poorly written, the actors do a fair job of covering. Where is is written well, it does itself proud. I like to think this is probably down to some good direction somewhere down the line. But Shaun? He made me wish there was an option to auto-mute whenever he opened his mouth. I would have been content with the subtitles. Because, I get it, we all get it, guys, you don’t want us to particularly like this character. Okay, mix up the group dynamic by making one of them dislikeable. But don’t ram it down our throats like that. Give the guy some subtlety. I didn’t particularly like Ceasere, or Rodrigo, or any of the other bad guys, but they didn’t make me want to groan with anger every time they had a line. One line in particular pissed me right off. When I start climbing up walls to reach an objective, Shaun remarks: “Oh, that’s great. So we’ll just stay down here shall we?” I replied out loud to the television screen “You’re welcome to come up here and try and do it yourself, wanker.” Danny Wallace has never had a worse contribution to culture. As one friend pointed out to me, they should have let him write his own script. On walking into a magnificent church, one that I have actually visited IRL, the plucky female engineer remarks that she likes the ceiling. Shaun’s merciless response is delivered with such venom, you’d have thought it was a gag about his hair. Which is awful, by the way. He says: “Oh, oh, you like the ceiling? Well aren’t you just a fascinating travelling companion?” Reader, I have visited that church. I can vouch for that ceiling. 

Which leads me onto a nice point, bringing with it some much-needed contrast at this point. I have visited Rome and the Vatican several times, and at times playing the game, especially around the Pantheon and the old Forum, I knew my way around. I don’t know whether this is more due to the efforts of the Assassin’s Creed Research and Development team, or the Italian Tourism Board, but it was very nice to see such attention to detail. You know, by now, that I like attention to detail. Another excellent moment was seeing St. Peter’s Basilica under construction. Not everything that is there today had even been started yet – the iconic colonnade, for example. And yet, I could picture it – you could see the gate that Rome’s high street ends at, and I could see beyond to the Castello on the river, which of course is still there, the river, the island et cetera. I hate to sound soppy, but it was a nice moment.

To come back to the negatives (minus-points for structure), the score is mediocre. When directed and edited properly, it does a good job, but often it triggered at inopportune moments. I found myself supplying my own music via iPod. There was a wonderful moment where I was hunting unsuspecting targets around the edge of the Coliseum, on a four minute timer, to the sounds of The Roots’ “Here I Come”. Joyful. On a side note, while we’re on the Coliseum, I’m not convinced the sound editor’s ever been. The acoustics in an Odeon or Roman theatre are not like that.

Coming back to the point – despite all that, this game is very good. You can spend hours doing stuff in between story missions. It’s like AC2 meets Red Dead Redemption; the world has depth and so much to do, from mugging to getting mugged, from stealth to arson. Stealth is one thing that the emphasis is re-hashed on – it has a greater role to play in AC:B than in its predecessors. The big action fight scenes are still there, and the badass fight animations, but also Sam Fisher-esque guard dodging and missions that are failed if you’re spotted. Which is fair enough, since it always seemed odd to me that they were supposed to be a secret bunch of assassins, and yet most problems could be solved by a stand up fight, and pressing one button repeatedly, at the right time. This is another thing that has changed – combat has some variety. Not a huge amount, but just enough to keep you on your toes – which is what should have happened in the fist place, but never mind. Better late than never. A lot of this is down to the contrasting new equipment, like the crossbow, which is probably my favourite weapon in the game, and my second favourite, the greatsword, which you can now carry around as a primary weapon. These monster blades really make you feel medieval, and you can almost feel the weight of them, and the crunching of the bones under them, thanks to the brilliant animations. There were even a couple of times where I caught myself thinking “Surely his head would’ve come off, a blow like that?”, but hey, it’s not the greatest concession ever made to keep a ’15’ rating. In fact, with my final costume donned, which consisted in part of a wolf pelt, and my greatsword flashing and cutting down all who stood before me, I started to think “Ezio Auditore has become a young Eddard Stark!” (Wonder how many of you will get that – look it up.) Which, in my book, can only be a good thing.

Assassin’s Creed 2 was a massive improvement on Assassin’s Creed, and Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood is just as large a step up from that. It’s like AC2, only streamlined, cooler, better thought out, more immersive, better acted all round and more intriguing. Even if they do insist on keeping that dick, Shaun. If Assassin’s Creed: Revelations makes the same amount of improvement, we could be looking at a nigh-on perfect game, that will make all the disappointment of the first worth it.

I’m very happy with this game, and I haven’t even tried the multiplayer yet…

Entertainment – 8 This game probably isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but those who enjoyed the last one will brim with joy.

Effort – 8 Unless you want to dabble in the DLCs or a multiplayer game, it’s a simple plug-and-play with an easy enough interface.

Expense – 6 I’ve had to wait a long time for this to come down in price. Try GAME or HMV sales over Amazon.

Endurance – 7 Though I won’t be replaying the story, there is still a lot left over to do in the singleplayer mode, and for the first time ever, I am inclined to follow up.

EQUALS – 7.5 Equals a great game, that’s what! If you’re looking to procrastinate, and you have the console to play it on, then I recommend it.